he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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