We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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