I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
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He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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