I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
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you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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