Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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