i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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