I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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