he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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