i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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