I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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