our cab driver is having phone sex.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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