Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
