my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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