It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
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I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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