Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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