I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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