then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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