I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
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I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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