I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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