____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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