Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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