im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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