I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize