I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
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You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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