the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize