Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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