saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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