Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
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Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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