I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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