Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize