Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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