every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize