I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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