You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
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So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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