I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
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Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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