new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize