I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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