Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize