he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This is the high leading the old right now
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Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
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Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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