Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
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So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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