you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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