All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
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you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
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Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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