I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
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There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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