Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Randomize