You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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