Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
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Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
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sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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