I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
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He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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