If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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