If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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