Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize